There is a time and place to open up and share our sin struggles and personal concerns, and if we are careful to apply Peter’s words about the modesty of personal restraint, we will be wise not only about the time and the place, but also about the people we choose to share our hearts with. The book of Proverbs warns us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (4:23). Along with this there’s general biblical call on all of us to love one another, which means that we are called to guard the hearts of others, too. We might be tempted to think that this verse is guiding us toward self-protection, but it is not. What we are called to guard is our heart—our passion—for God, and we do this primarily by holding at bay anything that would compete with that passion in ourselves or in those around us….
Of course, there exists the very real possibility that friendship with a man—a single guy or another woman’s husband—however innocent at first, will morph into something more. But if there is no commitment to accompany the attachment that has developed, or the attachment violates a commitment made to someone else, heart destruction is sure to follow. Believing that this can’t happen makes the possibility of it happening even greater. “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall,” Paul warns (1 Cor. 10:12). We’re not above it. None of us is. No one intentionally seeks out a destructive relationship, but they happen all the time. And they typically develop one conversation, one shared laugh, one lunch meeting at a time.
Are you as modest with your heart as you are with your clothing? It is a great way to love your brothers in Christ. It is also the best way to guard your heart and the reputation of your Savior.
- Lydia Brownback, from http://www.thisisnext.org/webzine/april_2009#article1
2 Comments
April 15, 2009 at 6:38 pm
hey dearie. i just wrote a post about emotional purity on my blog and take a somewhat different stance on it. it sounds like from your post, we should avoid sharing our spiritual experiences with men (please correct me if i’m misunderstanding!). but i wonder if this only hinders a growing experience. you can see my post for more details on what i mean. i would love the opportunity to grow from your opinion! here’s my post: http://livealchemy.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/a-new-take-on-emotional-purity/
God bless! I hope you’re smiling today
April 30, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Hi a1chemist,
Thanks for letting me know that you took a look at my blog and for asking for clarification.
I am not advocating avoiding talking about spiritual matters with men all together – I am advocating being thoughtful, careful and discerning in regards to the depth and detail of what you share. I’m not encouraging a complete drought of information when it comes to spiritual matters between brothers and sisters in Christ but i think the line between general sharing and exclusively-sharing-with-the-same-brother can be really fuzzy. When we start sharing exclusively (meaning we share more intentionally with one brother over other brothers) expectations-because-of-growing-attachment are inevitable. The reality of it is that bonds form when we know personal things about each other that not many other people know.
Like you touched on in your blog post, a lot of problems have to do with our expectations of how they respond to what we share… and I’ll take it a step further and present the importance of evaluating the heart motive behind sharing. Before questioning any of their motives, we have to check our own heart and consider if our motives are pure before God, in who we chose to disclose information to and how much. Personally, that’s already most of the problem for me. I am not disillusioned with pride to think that I am above having impure motives. I realized that my heart often had many competing motives at work in my relationships with guys. It is not always my desire to think and act like a sister. Often times, the motives behind my relationships with guys were not God-honoring.
The most important thing, is to consider God’s perspective since He knows the depths of my heart better than anyone (even me.) That should be reason enough to be that much more careful about the words we share and the investment of our hearts into situations that could potentially lead to sinful thoughts and expectations. For myself personally, its not enough to just seek to protect my own heart from attachment but I need to consider his holiness and purity as well.
Even in the times when my motives are clear, I need to consider the interest of the other person above my own. Its not enough to just seek to protect my own heart from attachment (as we often think Prov. 4:23 is encouraging) but I need to consider his holiness and purity as well. Is it really the most loving thing for a sister to share the intimate details of her heart to a brother – whom she is trying to guard her heart against expectations? And how is the man to respond to a woman’s vulnerability in a way that would honor God when he may or may not have had intentions for marriage towards her? In every scenario, I would imagine it would be to gently direct her to a godly, older woman. 1 Timothy 3:1-2 provides instructions for relations within the church: the men are encouraged to treat the older women like mothers and the younger sisters with all purity. If I love my brothers, I will do what I can to help them with that, and abstain from actions that may make it more challenging for them to do so.
I can’t make the call on what is appropriate for every woman but the goal is the same for each person – God should be magnified in all our actions. And what magnifies God is the pursuit of purity. (Psalm 24:3-5, Proverbs 15:26, Phil 1:9-11)If a woman can share that openly with a brother with a clear conscience, I am not condemning her. However, I personally had to make adjustments over the years in what is honoring to God in my own life – so in conversations, I should constantly do a mental check of what I want to share using Ephesians 4:29 “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” Is this wholesome and is it going to build this person up towards Godliness according to their need for the moment? Many times, its not my perspective or personal details that is going to do that for them – but the gospel will ALWAYS encourage. So in my conversations with the brothers that is an excellent goal to have – how can this conversation direct them (and myself) back towards God’s grace and all that Christ accomplished on the cross? As Carolyn Mahaney stated in her blogpost on speech {http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/speech/} “When we are purposeful and intentional to use edifying and appropriate words, this is the result: God promises that our words will impart grace to those who hear. Every conversation we have with another person carries this marvelous potential of passing on the grace of God. And we are a people in need of God’s grace, are we not?”
If we pursue the biblical principles of purity and brotherly love, we can be free to enjoy godly friendships with godly guys as blessings from our heavenly Father.