- Proverbs 3:26-27 (emphasis mine.)

Such a timely verse to read today. A lot of my time is spent fearing the future…trying to think of the worst that could happen in any given situation so that I know how to respond…being afraid of sudden terror. And there have been certain things that have been pending for the past few months that I am just waiting to land. I’ve been holding my breath, one eye closed and the other barely open, afraid to see a reality that I just don’t want to be so. But something I’ve thought off and on the past few weeks is that whatever reality is – I can’t change it. But that’s not enough: to just accept that I can’t change the things that didn’t turn out the way I wanted….the struggle for me has always been to accept the painful things that happen as God’s best plan.

The Lord will be my confidence. It’s been awhile since I earnestly believed and learned on that. What would that look like? What would my thoughts be if God was truly my confidence and my shelter when I’m expecting and preparing to be put in situations that are hard?

Something tells me that it looks something very much like that which is constantly a struggle: to be happy for others, to rejoice with them when it is the last thing my heart is feeling. Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due…

Why? Because I know that God is showing his goodness through their lives in blessing them with something – AND God is blessing me -through sanctifying me, keeping me from idols, sanctifying me, helping me to to love Him more and keep Christ as precious. But now you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. {Romans 6:22}

…when it is in your power to do it. How? Because of Christ. Because He saved me from my sins and has given me new life in Him. Who loves me and has promised to never leave me. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. {Philippians 4:13}

but so is my heart.

I’ve got 25 minutes before “my special day” comes to an end, and the books are  closed on yet another birthday. But I’ve got so much that I want to remember before January 9 slips into the past.

Like most years, feelings of dread and moments for humility made up a lot of the week before. Every year I have a love-hate relationship with my birthday  - mainly because of selfishness and pride as well as the common struggle of letting go of the familiar for the unknown. With its  feelings of rejection, expectations not being met, excitement and being blown away by undeserved love all mixed in with accepting that I’m just not as young as I am in my mind sometimes make January 9 one of the most sanctifying days of the year for me.

This year and especially this past few months, unexpected problems and struggles colored alot of 2011. Things that never bothered me before became points of tension, both externally but even more internally. I moved a few times within the year and traveled even more… saw most all of my closest friends move on to the next life stage while I stayed behind. I struggled with unrealistic hopes for my future and then struggled to pick up the pieces when they came crashing down. I was reminded there are sins that  I am not beyond committing and  had to bear the sting of being rebuked by the word of God. Challenged to reconsider how diligently I must be diligent to seek wisdom and holiness. And of course, the theme of the year was humility. Moments of heartbreak and seasons of heartache brought me down from idolizing myself or anything else that I choose to worship other than the one true God. Wish I could say that I grew more humble in this past year – but I can say for sure that I was made aware of how prideful I am and how ugly that pride is. And for that, I can’t believe I am saying this, but I am thankful for the moments of humiliation that were sprinkled in this year.

Its not to say that the past 365 days were only doom and gloom. There were lots and lots of blessings, really happy moments, new friendships that formed, found kindred spirits at unexpected times….and everything else that was gifted to me by God’s amazing grace. A lot of that ended up being represented and wrapped into today. I got more Facebook messages and text messages than I’ve ever gotten in my life from all the corners of my life. I had friends celebrate with me two nights in a row and shower me with the simple blessing of their company. Just that alone means more to me than I could accurately describe…truthfully,  because of the season of loneliness that has hung around the past few months. The  one thing I didn’t want was to be alone on my birthday or to feel terrible about being in this stage of life when it feels like other people have better, or at least, busier places to be.

Its pretty amazing though that even though I am so thankful for the tangible good things from today, what I will remember the most are the reminders and well wishes to see God at work in my life. There are cards and messages that came in and some of them held such striking words because they held a similar wish for me: people were praying and hoping that I would know God more this year, tthan last year. As common as it might be to wish a fellow Christian, the lives of the people praying it upon me left me without doubt that this was something they wanted and that I should be praying as well.

Honestly, to have someone pray that I could know God more, love him and hope in him more, and pray it with all their hearts is probably the best present I could have received. So I’m praying that too….that I would really know God, appreciate Christ more and have all my hope be found in Him, more than the year before. The truth is, I’m celebrating another birthday because the Lord still has work he plans to do in me and through me, not for my kingdom, but for His.

So thank you all for celebrating God’s faithfulness to me, yet again. Soli deo gloria.=)

10 hours in San Diego, filled with quality “girl time”. I’m going to sleep tonight with a warmed heart.

Thank you, Heavenly father, for precious sisters.

I bring an offering of worship to my King
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may you receive the honor that you’re due
O Lord, I bring an offering to you

{christmas offering.casting crowns}

So thankful that even if there were no presents, no fancy dinner and even if there was more family conflicting abounding, in Christ, there is so much to celebrate.

And so much to live for. To the glory of the one who made me and saved me by dying on my behalf.
“But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” {gal. 4:7}

We are an offering of worship to our King
No one on earth deserves the praises that we sing
Jesus, may you receive the honor that you’re due
O Lord, we bring an offering to you…

Between moving into a new townhouse, cleaning up our old apartment and checking out, canceling and starting utilities, getting ready for an super early Wedding makeup gig on Saturday, changing cubicles at work and putting together a slideshow, plus all the things that have been on my mind and tugging and churning in my heart…it feels almost more than I can take. In my internal rants and raves, I tell myself that I just cannot bend backwards any further to carry any more weight. If I do, I am going to break and everything is going to come crashing down.

Wednesday was the worst day…I was tired, cold, headachy, and stressed, and super complainy in my heart. Generally wanting to feel sorry for myself and if i’m honest, I want others to feel sorry for me too.

But really, how could I not acknowledge God as my stronghold – my source of infinite strength and blessing?

Though this week has had multiple late-late nights strung together, there have been a few moments when I’ve just laid in bed and been humbled with His provision and evidence of grace in life. There have been moments when I’ve acknowledge, “Wow God, I don’t deserve it, but you’re so good to me”.  There have been sweet bits of blessing mixed in my days that have cheered my easily discouraged heart. In a year when there has been many seasons and themes of my prideful heart being humbled, I’m seeing more this month than others how much I can’t handle. It takes so very little for me to feel the weight of my limitation. How comforting it is to know that the Sovereign God does not have that problem. Mid November, a friend said that he would pray for God’s strength to shine through my weakness (2 Cor 12:9-10), and for me to  rejoice in that. Its been a prayer of mine off and on during December too. But one thing is for reals – though I am serious weaksauce, The Lord is the one holding me together.

Tomorrow morning will be the capstone to this crazy week….honestly, with my body already aching and my head’s throbbing pain that keeps clinging on, I’ve been dreading the 3:30 wakeup call. But that’s when I look at it with my selfish eyes and complaining heart perspective. It is grace to me, that I can even realize I need to ask God to change my attitude now….tomorrow isn’t a day when i’m going to be tired and in pain…its a day to serve a brother and sister saved by grace to be united as one before God with the skills, talents and abilities that the Lord gave me to serve OTHERS.

The Lord has done so much for me, he has loved me so steadfast and faithfully, how can I choose to complain instead of being thankful?

And I am. Going to be thankful.

Thankful for: 

- a new home, that perfectly fits our needs
- brothers who helped us move with really excellent attitudes. It was the easiest and quickest move that I’ve ever had.
- Clean laundry…especially going to sleep in a clean bed. Oh and a new bed.
- Roommates watching out for safety
- Having internet at home. This was a week long battle I fought.
- I can be thankful for a bittersweet end to the C,T,C,K apartment era because its mainly been sweet fellowship with sisters, really brought together by the hand of God for a particular season of church planting….and other things too.

- The sweetness of the word, especially the Psalms lately.
- God glorifying song and playlists that I’ve created on my ipod at different seasons in life… redirecting my mind towards God’s praiseworthyness.
- Lots of encouraging articles on The Beacon lately. My favorites have been:  Books of the Bible: Ruth, Mike Chon’s article on Lessons from a Child’s Heart: The Sin of Complaining, and some good Charles Spurgeoun: He Shall Save Them From Their Sins.
- There is now no condemnation in Christ.
-Reading some really good reminders in The Gospel Primer:
“He has been unbelievably good and merciful to me as the Creator and Sustainer of my life….every legitimate pleasure I experience is a gift from His loving hand to me.” {The Gospel Primer, pg. 57}

“By preaching the gospel to myself each day, I nurture the bond that unites me with my brothers and sisters for whom Christ died…it becomes my pleasure to express to them this loving confidence regarding the ongoing work of God in their lives.” {pg. 22}

- My wingwoman, is always just a text message away.
- Unplanned spontaneous prayer time with Tina, lifting up some of the heaviest burdens that have been upon my heart.
- The caring ear that Estella has been lending me each week.
- Patience from my parents when I’ve had a short and curt attitude
- Two weeks vacation in less than seven days…and the excitement that is mounting as some of my closest friends while be staying in Norcal for the first couple days.
- A really warm and wonderful supervisor at work…she’s retiring and I will miss her dearly.
- The ability to stay home from work when I’m not feeling well
- Honestly, I am so so so thankful for medication
- Having really good vision insurance and a doctor that knows it like the back of his hand…not only saving me money but helping me make some.

- Though he is easily the most popular guy at church, for some reason, this little guy likes me. When he laughs or smiles at me I cannot help but giggle. I know, sounds so gross but if he has ever smiled at you, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
- I got to watch him last night, and his dad even said that Baby J seemed relaxed as they were leaving the house. Baby J and I have lots of fun together.
- Baby Nolan came into this world! So exciting that some of my longtime friends are now parents!
- Second chances with people
- In the messiest, scariest of church situations, God is still in control and will not give His glory to another
- Even when I feel like things are at odds with people or I am out of sorts and don’t know why, I can turn to God and pray through those things and ask Him for wisdom.
- The work of the gospel in people’s lives, and the hope we have because of it.
- I worship and everlasting God and have placed my trust in my redeemer…

….His grace, I know. Its very real. And its helping me to bend under the power of His gentle hands…the same hands that may break me, but to build me  more to His likeness….for His glory.

Typically I look forward to Thanksgiving oh so much because usually my immediate family travels to Sacramento to join our extended family and its the one time a year when my brother and sister are pretty much forced to spend time with me. We get to play with our younger cousins (one year it was basketball, another year it was 4-square and last year I got them all into Monopoly deal.) Generally, its warm feelings all around.

This year Thanksgiving was a different affair – no traveling to Sacramento but instead my grandma came to Thanksgiving at our house, along with a few other family members. I got to fly to Socal on Wednesday and it was just in the nick of time.

There’s been a lot on my mind and my heart lately. I went into this week with a heavy and anxious heart. And the anxiety wasn’t just in one area of life – the raw emotion, weakness, sin and weariness was pretty much spread across the board. Coming from our first LBC retreat and hearing sermons about glorfying God in all that we do, all I could pray was that God would glorify himself through my disappointment and sadness – thinking that was the only way that the bearing of these burdens would be worth it. And I just kept thinking that if I could make it to Wednesday, than the four days in SoCal would be long enough to help me clear my mind and weaken the emotions that I was trying to keep from overtaking me.

I usually gear up before coming home to maintain a Christ centered mentality and to be mindful of whatever chances might exist to challenge my family with the gospel. With my frame of mind and heart condition, I feel like I’ve been off-kilter and on edge since I got off the plane.

Consequently, while the food was AMAZING and the preparations went well, it kind of pales when I think about the arguments that I participated in and how NOT thankful I actually was. Even reading what other people were thankful for, whether it be food, family, work, quality time I don’t think my heart was REALLY basking in the glory of God and wondering how a Holy God could desire to save a sinner like me. Even though I knew I should be. I knew what I should be thankful for, but my heart just wasn’t singing the praises of my heavenly father. It was just trying to keep from buckling under the weight of life and to keep my mouth and eyes from saying anything I would regret (which was a major fail anyways). Several times this week I would think “I’m going to break. I know it. I’m just going to snap from all of this.”

At least not until after the hours and noise in our home started fading….and as I’m reflecting not just on today but on the current state of life, I’m reminded that I only have two things to bank on: God’s love and His sovereignty. As I’ve been tempted to ask Him why I have to go through some of the situations I’m currently in, the truth is that some of these trials and afflictions I’m bearing are probably to make me more dependent on Him, to destroy idols….generally to display his glory through my weakness. The promise that He loves me, that nothing can separate me from His love, that His grace abounds all the more where I am lacking and that all things work for the good of those who love Him….well, surprisingly its comforting me though it may require me to stand in the midst of blustering winds and changing tides in life. His love, like a hurricane may very well destroy and uproot a lot of desires and things in my life. But instead of collapsing from disaster, I can actually have hope in his plans and his ways which are so much stronger, fiercer and grander than I can comprehend.

And I’m reminded I can hold to Him and know that even when I cease to cling, He’s still got me. When I feel like my prayers are turning into vapor and when I tell myself to keep walking in my own strength even though it may be the wrong way, He will faithfully correct and redirect my steps. It’s a pretty amazing thing to think that when I keep my eyes on Him, seeking His kingdom and His glory, it changes the way I see things. I can move on from sins to return to pursuing holiness.

I think that’s why I have been listening to this song on repeat tonight: How He Loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all
{david crowder band.how he loves us} 

Tomorrow when I wake up, my situations and struggles won’t be different. The family issues that cropped up at the end of the night will just start to unravel and entangle…and I’ll probably think to myself that this was NOT the Thanksgiving Day that I imagined. But when I see how much I was reminded I need to trust Christ and His work in my life, redeeming me from sin and glorifying the Father….when I am humbled before the throne of God in my heart, bringing all of these afflictions before him, I’ll know it was the day that I needed. And thus, the thanksgiving will really begin.

“The supreme goal of God in history from beginning to end is the manifestation of his great glory. Accordingly our duty is to bring our thoughts, affections, and actions into line with this goal. It should become our own goal. To join God in this goal is called glorifying God. The way we glorify God is first to delight in his glory more than in anything else and be grateful for it. Then as a natural result of this joy in God we experience freedom from selfishness and are moved to seek the good of others. Thus love becomes the chief means by which we join God in the open display of his glory, and accomplish his goal in history.”

— John Piper

Though riches come and riches go,
Don’t set your heart upon them;
The fields of hope in which I sow
Are harvested in heaven.

[psalm 62.aaron keyes]

Only God can help me to live today with less anxiety, less fear of man, less dashed hopes and more boldness in truth, investment in God’s  kingdom, love for others,  and praise for my savior.

And happiness is not the pursuit of life. And happiness is not the purpose of pursuing holiness.

God does not desire sacrifice but obedience. {1 Samuel 15:22}

I realize anew that, just as we must learn to obey God one choice at a time, we must also learn to trust God one circumstance at a time. Trusting God is not a matter of my feelings but of my will. I never feel like trusting God when adversity strikes, but I can choose to do so even when I don’t feel like it. That act of the will, though, must be based on belief, and belief must be based on truth.

-jerry bridges

God’s grace is not given to make us feel better, but to glorify Him… Good feelings may come, or they may not, but that is not the issue. The issue is whether or not we honor God by the way we respond to our circumstances.
- jerry bridges, Transforming Grace, p. 144-145.

But the amazing thing is when we are pursuing holiness, God in his grace and kindness brings the peace and contentment that comes only from fellowshipping, leaning upon and trusting Him.

Which obviously better than any counterfeit and idolatrous pursuit  of happiness that I’d carry out on my own.

This is the kind of deep seated happiness that comes from the joy of knowing God. So Lord, give me the strength to remain faithful to the pursuit of holiness.

All of my life,
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship…

{The Desert Song.Hillsongs}

 

How true it is.

 

¹⁷Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
¹⁸yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.

habakkuk 3:17-19