Prepared for Battle

The past 48 hours have been a constant battlefield in my mind over a lot of things…untrue thoughts, sinful thoughts, regretful thoughts, hopeful thoughts, sad thoughts…

The only time I can stop thinking so much is when I sleep. But what do I do for the other 12 hours I’m awake….especially when I’m at work for eight of them? I’m here, physically but honestly my thoughts are not on my work or what I need to do today, tomorrow or next week – its hard to not have all my brain power sucked into replaying events and trying to keep my thoughts from smushing into each other and carrying me off into the territory of lies.

I have sisters praying for me, for which I am thankful but they can’t go in my head and change what I’m thinking. I’m not alone but I realize that comfort and strength doesn’t come from other people.

Its times like this when I know there’s only once place to go: the word of God. All the sermons I’ve heard about being equipped and girded with scripture….the reminder to be meditating on scripture….now is the time to put all those things into practice. I need to let my mind be filled with thoughts of God, of his commanded will, with truth and not with emotions, lies and anxiety. If I’m going to be able to fight against sin, weakness and anything else that comes at me,  I need to have the right weapons in hand.

• Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. [Philippians 4:8]
  

• My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Put false ways way from me and graciously teach me your law! [Psalm 119:28-29]
  

• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied. [Matthew 5:6]
  

• Incline my heart to to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! [Psalm 119:36]
  

• This God – his way is perfect, the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. [Psalm 18:30]
  

• Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. [Isaiah 30:18]
  

• Blessed is the one who’s transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is is no deceit. [Psalm 32:1-2]
  

• For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. [Jeremiah 29:11 ]
  

• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. [Psalm 46:1]
  

• Keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flows the springs of life. [Proverbs 4:23]
  

• For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this:that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. [2 Corinthians 5:14-15]
  

• But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. [Galatians 5:16]
  

• When the cares of my heart are many,  your consolations cheer my soul. [Psalm 94:19]
  

• I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight. [Psalm 119:75-77]
  

• But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. [Philippians 3:7]
  

• Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. [Ephesians 4:1-2]
  

• So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison… [2 Corinthians 4:16-17]
  

• You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. [Isaiah 26:3]

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Once again its your special day. We chatted a bit on the phone today just so that I could say hi and let you know I was thinking of you.

It has come to my attention that I have really under appreciated you. Whenever I’m asked about my teenage years I have come to realize….

I was a very difficult child to raise.

We’ve had quite a tumultuous relationship.However this year, I’ve been considering more of life and I think God has been gracious to help me understand more about how to love you and see things the way you do.

You were 24 when you had me. You once told me when I was a distant teenager that when I came it changed everything. I didn’t want to understand what you meant by that. Its hard to imagine what life was like for you, especially when I compare it to mine. You and Dad were still just trying to pull your life together, trying to finish up school and living in a small apartment in Huntington Beach with a newborn, six hours away from your own family.

It didn’t get easier after that. Actually it got a lot harder. Two more kids later, you switched out of pursuing teaching to get any job that you could to support our family. The weight ended up being put on you to carry us all. Though I didn’t understand how this could be good, you tried to make the best decisions you could for the family, including ending your marriage. This is a decision I resented for many years because all I could think about was how it effected me and turned my world upside down. Yet now, I can’t imagine the sorrow that you must have felt hearing, knowing and anticipating the ramifications of such a decision. I can’t imagine anticipating the negative comments from others, the scorn, guilt and mainly the desperation that you must have felt to make a drastic decision. But as I think about what I know to be true about you and the way you love, you believed that had to be better than to stay in the current situation.

And then you were a single mom for six years after that. While I would never hope to experience that for myself, I can only marvel that you survived it. The hard decisions kept coming, the pressures of keeping the house, keeping your kids from going crazy and trying to get your Master’s degree…I would have broken down for sure. Maybe you did and I just didn’t see it?

Many of those decisions you made, I didn’t agree with because I thought I knew better. I couldn’t see anything beyond my own self-centeredness and I was ruled by my sinful heart. I regret that I made life more difficult for you with my sassiness, attitude, rebellious pride and lying. I would let my tongue fly loose and you often said that my eyes looked like they were going to roll right out of my head when you would try to talk to me. When I think about having a daughter like me (as people say often happens) I already want to run and hide. Praise God for giving you grace, perseverance and love for me.

Maybe this kind of conflict is typical for a mother/daughter relationship. But there were long seasons when I couldn’t imagine us getting along because we disagreed so severely and my heart was so embittered. However, that is far from the truth now and I can only attribute the change in us individually and in our relationship to our powerful God. I’ve seen him change you from being anxious and depending on worldly wisdom to being a woman who has placed all her trust in the Lord. You’ve changed from being someone that I would do battle with on a daily basis to someone who can tell me the truth and I just have to say “You’re right, Mom.”

As I’ve gotten to ponder more of the realities of life and love and watch some of my best friends become moms for the first time I see how unique a mother’s love is. While you ask me questions that you know are going to make me mad, its because you’re willing to say the things that others might be afraid to. Just like Joyce will tell Jamie to not touch something to keep her from getting hurt, you’ve always tried to keep me from walking into situations that are harmful….and it must be frustrating to watch me do it anyways and come back with scars either on my knees or my heart. I realized that there is no one else on this earth that would lay down their life faster for me than you. Those long hours you worked…they were for us. The many school costumes you would stay up night sewing by hand…that was for us. The basketball games you came to watch at the end of a long day …that was for me.

It’s funny how time can change your perspective. I thank God that as time keeps going, I have more things to thank you for than to to criticicize you for.

Thank you for calling me, even if just to say hi and see how I’m doing. Its through these conversations that you’ve encouraged me to consider life decisions, progressing in my career, told me how to be praying for our family and just what makes you happy. It was these long distance conversations between Chino Hills and San Diego that we learned to just listen to each other talk and that I could hear God changing your heart and your values.

Thank you for never pressuring me to get married. In fact, you always remind me that its good to take my time getting to know someone, to find out how they treat their mom and sisters (because you’re convinced that’s how they’ll treat me) and make sure they know how to take care of life’s business. I know that you’ve always worried that I would end up in situation like yours…you never wanted me to say yes to someone just because they were the first person that asked. You’ve told me when you knew someone wasn’t the right person for me. You’ve never made me feel like there was something wrong with me or encouraged me to lower my standards. Other friends of mine have it much much more difficult in this area with their parent’s expectations of them being different from the ones you have for me. Thank you for reminding to me trust God with my future.

Thank you for loving my friends. Ever since high school I’ve loved bringing people home to meet you. You’ve cooked numerous spaghetti dinners and casseroles to fed my friends whether it be one or 30 people coming to our house. I see you pull out your best serving platters to make everything presentable and you’ll never complain when its time to clean up. You’re a wonderful hostess and you have taught me a lot about how to create a warm and welcoming place for people to relax… and you always send food home with people. Its exciting for me to share news about engagements, weddings and babies with you because you get just as happy as I am. I learned that being an auntie is one of the best feelings in the world because I’ve seen how you love my cousins and my friends.

Thank you for learning to listen to me. I learned to trust you and to be honest with you when I realized that you weren’t going to dispute everything that I would say. In my head, there are all kinds of crazy thoughts that I’m trying to work out into God’s truth in my life. Letting me explain how I got from point A to point B in however many words it takes is not something I can always do with others because of the fear of judgement. Thank you for letting me describe how I’m hurting, why I’m disappointed or what is confusing me in relationships. Thank you for letting me believe that when no one else in this world cares to listen, you still will.

Thank you for praying for me everyday. You tell me this all the time. This year alone there have been times when I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day and yet I do. Somehow I keep safe on the road, job opportunities work out, I’ve found places to live, good friends to keep me company and I think I grow to love God more than the day before. Do you remember the morning I left for China? I can see now how that was a hard morning for you – but I remember that was the first time ever I heard you pray that you trusted God completely with my life and that He knew better for me than you did. And then you let me go. Since then you’ve let me go a couple more times….to San Diego, to Czech Republic, and then to San Jose. Thank you for praying every step of my way.

Thank you for loving me even when I was/still am difficult. Thank you for being the mom that God intended for me. Thank you for growing in your walk with the Lord.

I love you, Mom. I’ll be seeing you soon. ❤

The Love of Christ

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this:
that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 
and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves
but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

{2 Corinthians 5:14-15}

All were lost and undone, dead and ruined, slaves to sin, having no power to deliver themselves, and must have remained thus miserable for ever, if Christ had not died. We should not make ourselves, but Christ, the end of our living and actions. A Christian’s life should be devoted to Christ. Alas, how many show the worthlessness of their professed faith and love, by living to themselves and to the world!

– Matthew Henry

Its been an interesting season as of recently….the Word of God has been refreshing my heart and my source of truth. Each day has been an opportunity to have my idols exposed for what they are and to be humbled by the stain and ugliness of my sin. Yet it is that desperation and dependence upon the Savior that keeps me relishing in the sweetness of the gospel.

Though I get sidetracked often by minor discomfort, anxieties or my own self-centeredness, the depths of Christ’s love for me is a place I’m starting to dwell in deeper and deeper. He died for my sin…no he became my sin and I can rest in the His righteousness. I no longer have to live for myself – I can now live for him. The steadfast love of Christ and the certainty of God’s promises are slowly reshaping the affections of my heart.

There are still many things that challenge those affections but slowly my fear is shifting from being unsatisfied in the flesh to fearing situations that tempt me to love the world more than Christ. Yet on all of those days, even my most sinful ones, the love of Christ for me is so sure and unceasing. His sacrifice paying for my sins is still sufficient. It’s been proven through his obedience to the father and through his mediation between me and God.

And so here I stand: loved, forgiven and redeemed. And that is more than enough for me.